Above the clouds

You wanna know what I think one of the funniest things about airplane travel is? It's those Sky Mall catalogs. If you've ever seen one, you probably know what I'm talking out. My assumption is that they started out as duty-free shopping aides, where you could pick your bottle of booze and be on your way. What they have evolved into is an astounding accumulation of some of the most awesome useless crap ever known to mankind. So on one of my last flights, I took a copy of a Sky Mall catalog, to be able to document some of the stuff they offer. Hey, it's a free copy - take it, and they'll replace it. So they have customer service down to an art already. We're off to a great start.

First off, let me introduce you to Vuzix iWear, found on page 5. Basically, this is a movie walkman, that you wear like glasses for that "big screen movie experience while you fly". I don't know, I may very well be wrong, but I have a hunch that watching a movie with that is actually not a very enjoyable experience. Especially not in a plane. But hey, at least it's a gadget geared towards travelers, which kind of makes sense for this type of publication. I wish I could say the same about "The Animated Emotive Robotic Companion" and "The Indoor Dog Restroom" on page 17 (notice how the article is part of the product name? This seems to be specific to Hammacher Schlemmer products). The latter is basically a doormat with a plastic tray under it, so that after your dog pees on it, you get to balance the thing to the toilet and dump it. At roughly $150 it seems to be the very definition of a bargain. Thank you very much, but my money is on "The Superior Comfort Bed Lounger" (page 29). That thing looks so freaking comfortable, it makes me feel good just looking at it. If you ever find yourself wondering if this is for you, try to picture yourself using it. Putting it on the bed, sitting down in it, storing it and all that. Yeah, give your money to a homeless person instead.

I could go on and on about the awesome stuff in this thing, but let me just briefly list a few highlights: The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker (page 37), Airchamber's controlled, virtually moisture-free environment for your car (page 55, it's a clear plastic tent for inside your garage courtesy of Frontgate, who seem to specialize in offering their home furnishings to aviation consumers), TimeMug (page 139, a thermos mug with a clock on it), iwavecube 2.0 personal microwave (page 143, with a handy carrying handle), the portable tent for overnight layovers (page 228, can't you just see yourself setting that up in the airport) and last but not least, the portable desk, which is basically a plastic tray, with a neckstrap-like harness, on which you set your laptop computer (page 229). I know, this last one opens up a whole new world. Type while walking down the street, in line at the grocery store and while casually loitering at stripmalls and street corners. Finally, you can blog live from the mosh pit of your choice. You know what? I bet you can set your McDonald's on there as well, and eat that while walking. I wonder if they have a cupholder extension?

The examples I picked are some of the more hilarious ones, but I swear, 90% of that stuff is either useless or super-cheesy, like Harry Potter's wand, motivational posters and desk decorations, big foot garden statues, car logo Christmas tree lights and a million and one iPod accessories. And also, think about the folks in the Chinese factories making that stuff, probably laughing all day at the ridiculous stuff they have to make. Great dinner table stories for the kids too.